2017

It's 1:45 a.m in the morning of the eighteenth day of 2017 and I'm in my dorm room, half listening to my roommate singing and half listening to Conan Gray's Sometime.

The last post I did here was on August 2016 - almost half a year ago? And for some reason, while I was binge watching Conan Gray's video and listening to his  amazing voice singing the tunes of his original songs, I felt like writing here again.

If anyone's reading this -- Hi! but first of all how on earth did you even get here?

So, out of curiosity I scrolled through my old blog posts (which most of them have been reverted to drafts) and my oh my, there's almost 300 posts here with the first one dated back to 2009 - and I assume very cringe-worthy haha!

Looking back, and looking where I am now, so many things have changed. I used to write at home, in this tiny room next to my parents' bedroom, getting all excited to edit the photos I was gonna use for that day's post. And right now, I'm in my dorm room with my desk and bed scattered with notes for my final exams, and I'm on my laptop contemplating whether to post this dull writing, How different. I wonder where all the excitement and enthusiasm went.

Anyhow, my last actual life update post was probably something about how my life in boarding school was -- and I probably made it sound like it was an adventure or something. So in the span of my last actual post to today; I've graduated high school, had a super long holiday, did my Foundation in Science studies and recently got accepted into the Faculty of Engineering at a local university! Oh and am currently studying for my final exam. Ok wow, 2 years ago I would not even had imagined me being here, doing what I'm doing right now. The 17-year-old me must've imagined the 20-year-old me studying overseas in the science field  or something right now.

Oh yeah -- newsflash; I'm 20 this year! Well, not yet, I'm only 19-years and 2-months old. So technically I'm still a teenager, right? (still in absolute denial) hahah, yeah, 20's a weird age. Everyone's on such different paths and phases of life. Including me.

Maybe I'll write again some other time.
For now; thank you for reading!
And I hope it's not too late to wish you a Happy 2017! (yes it's late i know, shut up)

Alone

I like  being alone. 

When I get up in the morning, it feels like a bliss knowing that there's no one home and there's no one I need to answer to. I like it. I like being in my room alone, listening to music, or writing or simply reading a book.

But don't get me wrong, I hate being lonely. The only reason I come down from my room everyday and hang out in the living room is because I don't want my parents to feel lonely. I don't want them to feel like they're alone. I don't think they like being alone as much as I do. 

But I do. I really do. I feel so much at ease when I know everyone's out doing their own thing. I can feel my guards lowered and I don't feel as anxious as when there's people in the house. I don't know if that's odd. But being alone makes me feel calm. 

I guess that's because I'm the only person I trust. The only person I feel comfortable with is myself. huh. 

Misconception.

It seems to me like, people often want what they can't have or what they don't know.
Its like wanting a five-thousand dollars handbag because you don't know the quality or details of the handbag itself.
So, they assume the quality is superb based on what they've heard about it. They assume its amazing.
Until they buy it -- and realized the quality is just as good as the handbags you get at night bazaars.

We often assume and expect too much of things we don't know about. And sometimes, of people too.
We see a guy wearing the nicest suit and looking as dashing as ever, and so we assume that he's a wealthy man --
not knowing that he was jobless and that was the only nice attire he has for a job interview.
We see a kid holding a flower, and assume she's the sweetest little girl ever--
without knowing that she got those flowers by bullying other little kids.

There's always bad in people. That doesn't mean that's all there is to them.
But there is always, always a bad in each person.
Whether it is covered by money, or great personality or lovely atittude, the bad is there, hiding behind.

So, every time you look at someone with awe, and sees all the good in them,
wanting to be them or wanting to have their lives,
remember, there's always a bad side to everything and everyone.
Try to see those bad, accept the bad, and know that all ups have their downs.
And that everyone is equal.
And that you will forever be you.

Tachycardia.

I used to blog a lot.
I used to love writing.
I still do.

But, I've grown up and realized how judgmental the world can be, so I decided to keep my words in my mouth, and keep my thoughts in my head. Because when you don't say anything, and you don't be anything, there's nothing there for the world to judge you on.

But I miss writing.
I miss spilling it all out.
I miss sharing my thoughts.

Now, the only audience I have are the papers I scribbled on and the pens I used. Sure, it gets boring, but it's less risky. It's scary - to have other people know what you're thinking, to let them inside of your head. To open up to people. It's scary. Intimidating, even.

I don't know how many times I've tried blogging, only to find myself deleting the entire entry minutes later. People say I'm brave, because I'm not scared of empty rooms and dark hallways. Truth is, I'm the most cowardly person ever - and that is why I don't open up to people. That is why I am comfortable expressing things to the world wide web instead of confronting people and letting it all out. Because I'm afraid of what people would think about me, what they will say and how they will look at me when I say the things on my mind.

Its good to have a place to express things. Even if the place is just an old, long forgotten blog.

I'm back?

Oh hello there again!
oh no no no of course I hadn't forgotten you.
I just got lazier and lazier to blog ever since I started boarding school and well now that school is over (omg yes I'm 18, sort of), I thought I should do something with all this free time. And blogging seems like a cool option.

 Ok, so boarding school. Good? Bad?
I've got to say it was quite an adventure. Although, I vividly remember wanting so badly for school to end so I can get out of boarding school, hahah, I've always hated school, didn't I. But in the end, no matter how horrible something was, we'll always leave with something good kan? So, yeah, I made great friends and also had horribly dramatic and overly-sensitive acquaintances. But, lets just focus on the good stuff, k.

On the other hand, boarding school was definitely good for my studies. I mean, if I was at home, hah, no way I would sit and study all day, let alone with the TV and the laptop constantly seducing me to leave my books. I mean, I was still as lazy as I was but idk, maybe because everyone was studying, I knew I had to too.

I think thats all? Idk but I think as I grow older, I find it less important to tell my story or my thoughts. I used to want to talk about everything, every little details, but now, I mean, aku sorang tau cukup lah kan. After all, it is my life and for some odd reason, I chose to put it up on public. hah.

I'll be back. Just wanted to tell you I'm still here. Still writing.