2018

The last time I was here, it was end of 2017. Now, its almost 2019.

I didn't anticipated much this year, I was just trying to get by.
But this year, was different. So different.
The one year I was least hopeful for, turned out to be the year so many things changed.

Grateful. 2018 is the year I'd like to be grateful for.
Despite all the hectic weeks and busy days, this year has been a blessing.
I might say this year is the happiest I've been too.
I re-read all my previous posts -- the ones on here and the ones I've made private.
For once, I can't relate to all the feelings I had while writing those.
All the sorrows, the heartaches, the loneliness and all the sadness.
For once, it felt like reading someone else's writings.
And it felt good.

Maybe things have not changed that much.
Perhaps this year, I have learnt to realize things --
to accept things and be grateful.
Maybe I've learnt to accept myself.

This year helped me grow.
I had less breakdowns and meltdowns this year -- I can't even remember most of them.
And I'm thankful for all the changes that made it happened.
Thankful for the presence of a certain someone, too.
Someone who didn't make me feel like I was a burden, someone who actually wanted to be in my life.
And for once, I'm not scared to fall.

I don't know if any of these would last.
Maybe its temporary, who knows.
But while it's all here, I'm grateful.
And even when it's gone, I am still going to be grateful.

2018 -- maybe this is the peak I'll look back at.

Caring less.

You'll leave, just like the rest. 

And you'll get your heart broken, just like them. 

I won't feel a thing, not even when you've left for good. 

I've lived without you before, I can do it again. 

You presence was insignificant. 

I used to give my all to people, I used to love with all my heart. 

Loyal. I was so loyal.

Even if they were not there for me, I swore I would be there for them. 

But they left. Over and over again. And I finally learnt my lesson. 

Now my love's not for everyone. Now I'm reserved. Now I care less. 

When you're not loving with all your heart, you don't feel the absence as much. 

You can actually live again, regardless of their presence. 

There is so much power in not caring. And I love that. 

But to each matter, there's a catch. 

Caring less means less things play significant roles in your life. 

Less things give you feelings, less things get noticed. 

And because less things actually make impacts, you kinda mix them all up together. 

Now everything seems less important, everything looks insignificant in life. 

That was how I overlooked your presence. 

Permanence.

I don't remember liking permanence.

When I was little, I had to move from one state to another. 

I don't remember hating it, because the only important person I was leaving behind was a boy. 

When I was 6, I stopped going to kindergarten because I was getting bored of the repetitive lessons. 

I don't remember crying or being sad that I won't get to see my friends anymore. 

I was okay with changes. Nothing and no one had a permanent spot in me. 

When I started elementary, I made friends on the first day of class. 

And I tried sticking with the same group of friends for 6 years. 

I guess I wanted something permanent for once. Well, that didn't last. 

And the moving continued. From one middle school to another. 

From a middle school in my city to a high school in another state. 

On and on the moving continued. I was okay. Changes are fun. 

Changes are fun. Only when it comes to me. 

Changes are not fun when it happens to you. You. 

You who I used to talk to everyday. You who used to ask me if I'm okay. 

When I think of hating changes, I never think of me. 

I think of us. 

I loved changes so much that I forgot that you had to go through it too. 

Changes are not fun anymore. It made me lose you. 

I like us. And for once, I liked permanence. 

A short note.

Um hi,
...well this is weird.
I wonder if you're doing alright. Judging by your social medias, I guess you are.
It's been more than a year now, since we last connected.
I can't remember, but I think this is the longest we've been apart.
I know we don't talk all the time, but every year we would somehow reappear in each other's lives every now and then. And we would catch up.
But not this year. 

You know, I see you. On my social media accounts.
You're always.....there -- viewing my stories or liking my photos.
But neither of us said hi. Neither of us wants to break the wall.
I do, though. I just think you don't. And I don't want to be a disturbance.
Not again. 

It's nobody's fault that we've reached the end.
If I could turn back time, I would. I'd like to try to be a better friend.
I guess you just didn't want any of the drama again. And I understand.
And along the way, you found someone great. I really hope she's grand. 

You look like you're doing fine. You look happy, you do.
So as much as I would like us to be together, I don't want to ruin any of it for you.
Well, one of us should live a happy life, right?
One that's free of unnecessary fights. 

So, I've nothing to leave you, but a short thank you.
For sticking throughout all those years, even though you didn't need to.
And if you're missing the past, know that I'm always here;
When the sky is gloomy and especially when its crystal clear.

xx.

Highlight

It seems that everyone has that one peak point in life.
A time they would often look back at, a time they truly miss.
"I wish I was 18 again" -- things like that.
A point in life where they truly think was the best.
Maybe a time where they felt significantly happier.

But that's not the case for me.

I saw someone tweeted about it, and I honestly tried to remember;
what was the best moment in my life? when was the highlight?
And I really can't remember. I truly can't distinguish that one significant moment which everyone seems to have.

Which got me thinking -- was I never happy?
It seems that all my life I was constantly waiting for a period of time to pass.
And so there was never really a moment which I truly celebrated.
Was I always this sad?
When did this started?
It's baffling because  I really can't remember.
I was never truly happy when I was in school.
Not after I finished school either.
And now, I guess now I'm just living.

Detachment. That's why I'm never truly happy.
When I was a kid, I was easily prone to getting attached. And that hurt me.
When people leave, when promises are broken, I would get devastated and broken.
And then I learnt my lesson -- so that's when it started.
I got detached.

I started getting detached from people, from places, from memory.
I blocked all the feelings I used to feel and my mind keeps reminding me not to think too much about a certain someone or a specific memory.
And ever since, I've always been living the present. Getting through day by day, not wanting to remember the past.

So when someone says something like "I wish I were a kid again", I can never relate.
Because I don't want to.
I don't want to be a kid with so much feelings.
I don't want to be easily broken ever again.
I don't ever want to go back to any point in my life.

I guess I never had a peak point in my life.
Maybe I won't ever have, who knows.
Maybe to me, happiness is living in the moment.
Whatever happiness is, I wish I'll find mine someday.

Days like this.

It's probably nothing.
It's probably just in my head.
but sometimes,
everything feels so suffocating.
getting up from the bed feels so hard.
getting dressed feels like a chore.
going down to buy food feels so tiring.

It's probably nothing.
but days like these,
they visit me ever so often,
and even though I don't welcome them,
they take up a big part of me,
and it makes me tired -
mentally, physically.

It feels like my mind is shutting down,
and I don't want to think of anything.
no, I can't think of anything -
even if I've an important date coming up,
even if the due date is a few hours away.

I wish days like this don't exist.
I wish it gets easier.
But every single time these days come to visit,
my mind starts to slowly shut down,
my body decides to not move,
and everything feels so suffocating.

I wish it would stop visiting me.

Hanyut

There are points in life when I know what I’m doing,
where I’m going, what I’m aiming for.
But most of the times,
I feel like I’m drowning, carried away by the waves;
helpless, directionless.

Most of the times, I feel like I’m swarmed;
lemas dalam lautan keresahan,
with things I have no knowledge on,
with things I can’t seem to handle,
things I can’t cope with.

Hanyut, lemas, sesat.
Lost in the labyrinth of life.
It almost feels like I’m going through a dark tunnel,
and instead of a light waiting at the end,
there’s the unknown —
and that is far far scarier than anything I’ve seen.

-Znot